First thing yesterday morning, The Boss comes into my office and says he needs help:

“Leize Marie. I need your help. Because you are healthy, and you eat healthy, and you care about my health. I can tell. So because of all this, I need you to look into something for me. Not during work hours per se because I don’t want it to interfere with your productivity. But since you are kind of a hippie and shop at Earth Fare and are a city girl and all those other things I make fun of you for, I want you to help me.

I have been thinking about maybe… during lent… like once a week… maybe on Fridays… doing some type of fast or cleanse. You know, like the muslims do at Ramadan. But I want to know what is the best for me.”

Here he goes on for a few minutes about different “cleanses” and “fasts” he has heard about, and how he has heard they help you.

Me: So. You are asking me to look up a cleanse for you?

The Boss: Yes. Exactly. I mean I will probably have to drink black coffee because dairy may mess it up… I think as soon as I start this it may kill me.

Ten minutes later I walk into The Boss’ office with a question, but before I can say anything he starts with another concern….

“Leize Marie. I have been pondering the complexities of cilantro and I just can’t wrap my arms around it. This was prompted by the chicken wings you brought in (Thai green curry… DELICIOUS!). I mean, over the years I have learned how to pair things like roasted red peppers and sun dried tomatoes. But I just don’t get cilantro. I put it in my Moe’s burrito because you did, and I love it. But I put it in other things and it’s not good. I just don’t get it.”

After a short discussion about cilantro I start to ask my question…

The Boss: Oh. You came in here with a real question?

Today The Boss and I were having a conversation about vegetarianism. Somehow he related the topic to a quote by Edward Cullen from Twilight. Since I have never seen Twilight or read one word from the books, I just gave him my frequent and typical blank stare…

The Boss: Leize Marie, you don’t know what I am talking about? WHERE ARE YOU FROM?!

Me: I don’t know. Sorry?

The Boss: You know in the fourth grade when they separate boys and girls for “the talk”, telling you how you are different, where were you? Weren’t you supposed to learn girl things like that? (Puffs his chest). Aren’t you supposed to be like, “OMG! Jacob the totally hot and ripped werewolf!”? I just don’t get it.

Tomorrow is my birthday, so this morning Boss came in with a small gift. He said, “There is more to come, but I just couldn’t wait. So here.”

He then proceeded to tell me that he got this for 2 reasons:

1. To have something on his car so he would fit in down here.

2. Because he thinks that I am more wag and he is more bark.

He finished his presentation with, “I got one too. But don’t worry, we don’t park close enough in the lot for it to be embarrassing.”

Today, I kind of freaked out at how dirty my keyboard was: all the crumbs in it and such. This usually happens once every few months. Just like about once a month I realize how dirty my desk is and have to have a deep cleaning session.

I spent about 10 minutes blowing it out with the duster thing. And popping keys off to get all the crap out. Which happened to require getting a letter opener from Boss to pull them off.
When i returned it, Boss decides to stage an intervention of sorts

Boss: So are we over this? Are you okay? Are you settled? Had I known that’s what you needed the letter opener for I wouldn’t have given it to you.
Me: Yeah. I am good.

I turn to go back into my office.

Boss continues: Leize marie. Where did you use the bathroom in Africa? A hole or a really nice bathroom?
Me: A hole.
Boss: That’s where I get all tripped up. I think about you backpacking in the bush of Africa and how low maintenance that must mean you are. Then you go and pull crap like this. Freaking out about crumbs in your keyboard. Boggles my mind.

All day, My Manager has been popping in and out of my office for no particular reason. This morning, he came back from his doctor’s appointment, and bowed to greet me, as if he were Japanese, and began speaking with an Asian accent. I was very confused until I realized his “doctor’s” appointment was actually acupuncture. After lunch these incidents continued. My Manager would stand in my doorway, and not speak until I looked up from my computer. Most of the time there was no legitimate purpose for him popping over.

Most recently, he came over to tell me he watched the clip of his friend’s son on the new show The Voice at least three more times (which we HAD to watch together yesterday). He continued to talk about how it gets better and better each time, and that the kid went to his high school, a fancy prep school in Connecticut…

My Manager: Yeah, when I decided to go to UCONN, my guidance counselor was disappointed I didn’t go somewhere like Yale or Brown. But then I saw the kinds of kids that went there and they all died their hair funny colors and pierced just about everything. I guess that’s what you do when you are smart.

He paused for a second. Thinking about his next line.

My Manager: But I guess you don’t see much of that down here. Kids don’t do that kind of stuff here at the University of Phoenix.

(This is his common insult to me, attempting to equate my college, The University of South Carolina, with a fake online college.)

Instead of reacting, I gave him the usual pity laugh and just looked at him.

My Manager: There you go again. I keep taking jabs at you, trying to get you all fired up, and you don’t bite. You just sit there quietly. It’s scary really. You’re like China. I can’t tell what you are thinking, or when you will strike back, or how you will take revenge, but I know when you do it will be bad. But for now, you just sit back quietly. You just watch and wait for everyone else to self-destruct. Scary. Intimidating.

So it is officially wedding season, for me at least. For whatever reason, only one of these weddings is on a Saturday. This has caused me to sit down with My Manager on various occasions to discuss my schedule. He even has an Outlook calendar set up just for me noting each event.

Today I sat down with him to discuss next weekend’s plans. This included an attempt to get off early on Friday during the busiest time of our month.

Me: So I was hoping to leave around 2ish to avoid traffic. There is also a bachelorette thing going on that night.

My Manager: Now that’s the last thing I need. You getting off early to go down to Georgia and get in trouble with some stripper or something. Some dude coming up to you in a police outfit saying ‘Excuse me ma’am. You are under arrest for hottness.’ Really.”

As a part of out “employee assistance program” we had a guest speaker come in and teach a seminar on “Active Listening”. While you would think a lesson on active listening would only include listening, there was also a lot of group participation.

To begin, we had to partner up and each individual was given a role as either the speaker or the listener. The sweet, quiet secretary and I partnered up, I was the listener, and was secretly instructed to not make eye contact, look around the room, and constantly interrupt. Which I hated. We both hated it and only ended up giggling the entire time.

Then we had the seminar. We were taught that active listening is more than hearing. It is making eye contact, asking questions, reading body language, etc, etc.

During the presentation, My Manager kept brown-nosing the speaker, while the Human Resources guy kept making jokes-

Speaker Lady: What are good ways to provide constructive criticism. (Still not sure what this had to do with active listening.)

Me (trying to show I was “actively listening”): The Sandwich Method, good-bad-good.

HR Guy: You mean the BUT METHOD! he he he. ‘This is great, but…”

Here is where all of my coworkers laughed. (Side note: I am the youngest in the office by at least ten years)

After the seminar, we closed with another exercise with the same partners, no roles, simply conversation. After it was finished…

Speaker Lady: So did that exercise go better than the first?

My Manager: Of course, after such a great seminar.

HR Guy (who the reason we had this presentation): WHAT A SUCK UP!!!!!!!

Again, everyone laughed.

At the end of the day, I don’t know that I learned anything but at there were free snacks.

Currently I am in my own hotel room in Missouri, wondering when I became old enough to be on a “business trip”. I have no clue what to do with my own hotel room that is twice the size of my bedroom with a bed twice the size as my own, my own bathroom, or cable (which my roommates and I don’t want to pay for). However, that is beside the point.

My manager and I flew into St. Louis yesterday, and had a 2 hour drive to where we are working for the week. On the way, we drove through a few shady parts of the city…

My Manager: It sure is a good thing you are with me Leize Marie because if we get in trouble, I have street cred.

Me: Mmmmm hmmmm.

About an hour later, we were scanning through the available radio stations in the middle-of-nowhere, Missouri and found Kris-Kross “Jump”.

My Manager: OH YEAH BOOOOOY! Uh. Uh. This is what I am talking about (as he used his free hand to “raise the roof”). See Leize Marie, I told you I had street cred.

He then changed the station…

My Manager: But only in small doses.

20 minutes later after losing the classic rock station, we found Puff Daddy, Mase, and The Notorious B.I.G.- “I’ll be Missing You”.

My Manager: AGAIN! So great! YEAH. YEAH. (Plays the dashboard like a turn-table). Street cred Leize Marie. Street cred.

Throughout the day he continued to point out ways that he has “street cred”.the conversation overflowed into the lunch drive with our hosts.

My Manager: I keep trying to tell Leize Marie to stick with me because I have street cred, but she doesn’t believe me.

Me: Listen, I have AT LEAST ten times as much “street cred” as you. You come from the land of Polo and argyle- Connecticut.

I thought this would stop him. I was wrong. After lunch in the conference room he continued his argument.

My Manager: Leize Marie will be happy to have me with her when we are staying in St. Louis. You know, because I have street cred. Maybe I will go out wearing an over-sized Cardinals jersey with Pujols or something to fit in East St. Louis. 

Me: Yeah right. You’re still from the land of Polo and argyle. Polo and argyle.

My Manager: I am down with that side of town.

Me: Clearly…

My Manager: See, you can see my street cred in the way I rhyme. I will get out of the car, and they will see me walk my walk and talk my talk and they will know not to mess…

Me: Comforting.

As part of Operation Improve Employee Morale I made a special Monday morning treat- chocolate chip s’more cookies. They were about the size of my head and yet another success in the workplace.

A few minutes after arriving, My Manager peeks his head into my office-

My Manager: Leize Marie, we need to talk about this baking thing.

Me: Why?

My Manager: Because I have a weight problem, and I am weak. I can’t just eat a bite of those gigantic cookies.

A little while later, he came back across the hall-

My Manager: Leize Marie, You know what you should do? You should take a picture of those cookies, and post in on that Facebook thing that your over-connected-generation is into. Where all these kids are announcing engagements and stuff, and put a caption that says, “Yeah, but can your new little wifey do this?”

Little did he know that I had already snapped a photo for this blog, and he had given me the PERFECT material to go with it.

After discovering one of my strengths from Strengthsfinder 2.0 is positivity, I took on the role of “Employee Morale Improver” at work. Of course I was self-appointed, and have yet to share my title with anyone, but I decided someone needed to help bring unity to the corporate office. Over the past few months I have implemented a few phases to Operation Improve Employee Morale.

Phase 1: Homemade muffins. Whole-wheat-cranberry-orange-with-flaxseed-from-scratch to be exact.  While they were eaten over the course of the week (mostly by me and The Boss), who is going to rave about something so healthy?

Phase 2: Scratch the healthy treats, on to cupcakes. Strawberry with fresh strawberries. Again, these were eaten, yet not devoured, and life at work proceeded as usual.

Phase 3: Jackpot. Banana cupcakes with Reese’s cups in the center and homemade dark chocolate frosting (pictured below). Gone in 60 seconds.

Of course I set one aside for My Manager. When he arrived at work, I gave him the treat of the day.

Me: Here is a little something to start your week off well.

My Manager: Ahhhhh. This looks incredible. What for?

Me: Oh, you know, just trying to improve morale.

My Manager: (takes a bite) WOW! MORALE IMPROVED! (Mouth full of cupcake)

The next day, our CFO came by and told us he wanted to have a finance group lunch, which hasn’t happened in the whole six months I have been there, ever. OPERATION IMPROVE EMPLOYEE MORALE IS A SUCCESS!