It’s been almost 2 years since I have returned from the World Race: 2 years since I have used my passport, 2 years since I have smelled the third world or had feet covered in dirt after walking from hut to hut, 2 years since I have sat holding hands and laughing with people who don’t even speak my language.

In just a few months, I will leave my air conditioned office and have the opportunity to live among the poor once again. On June 25 I will travel with a group of high school students to spend a month in Guatemala. We will spend time in communities visiting homes and schools. Not only will I have the opportunity to serve the people of Guatemala, I will also be serving high school students from around the country as they venture into a world that lacks their usual comforts and be stretched as they learn to serve in ways they never imagined.

I am privileged to have this opportunity, and am excited as this is a gateway into a new transition in my life. For this trip, I have been asked to raise $1,000. If you would like to help support me please visit my World Race blog and click “Support Me”.

I am so excited to see what the Lord has in store for me in Guatemala and I am so blessed to have a wonderful network of friends and family to pray for and encourage me as I go and follow Christ’s command to love our neighbors and serve the poor.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair

2 Corinthians 4:7-8

You never fully comprehend the weakness we possess as humans until you are met with trial. We tend to think we are invincible, we can handle everything on our own with no help from the Lord. We forget our humanity and our vast need for the infinite grace and mercy of our Savior.

This week I lost my aunt. With no husband or children of her own, she was like a mother to my sister and me. After my grandmother died, holidays were spent at her house. Growing up, she always bought our Christmas and Easter dresses. She became seriously ill three weeks ago, and just when we all thought she would get better, Jean Marie had other plans. She simply couldn’t fight any longer.

Family death on top of planning to move to attend graduate school has completely exhausted me. Driving home from Athens yesterday, I finally realized just how weak I was and how much I desperately need the grace and mercy Christ has to offer.

As humans we have the tendency to want to “fix” people, to make them happy or get rid of the pain. But over the past week, I have realized that is not what Christ calls us to do. Jesus calls us to meet each other where we are, in the happiest of times and in the worst of times. We are called to share in the joy and sorrow of our brothers and sisters, and this is exactly how Christ has ministered to me over the past week.

I have been blessed to have friends who aren’t afraid to meet me where I am, in the midst of my physical, emotional, and spiritual exhaustion and just be. No fixing. No fussing when I may be ridiculous. No trying to understand what I am going through, or meager attempts to relate. I am blessed with friends who simply walk alongside me and carry pieces of the burden.

I have been overwhelmed with support in so many ways: the boyfriend who sits for 15 minutes while I cry or the best friend who texts to say she spent the morning crying and praying for me, the other best friend who calls multiple times a day even though she is in the middle of grad school finals, the biggest hug from the tiniest roommate, and every text/email/phone call I have received from people just saying they are praying for me.

I hope to be the person who recognizes the need for grace in the people around me. I hope to carry the burdens of others and to be their biggest fan as they walk through the trials of life. I hope to give as much love and mercy as I have received over the past week.

Thank you everyone who has prayed for and supported my family this week. Please continue to keep us in your prayers.

Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
Matthew 5:3-5

For most of my life, I have had a passion to serve the poor, to “bless” the less fortunate. I had the privilege of growing up in a home with parents who gave so much of themselves to others. I watched my dad tirelessly serve the widows who came into his service station, and grew up with a mother who spent years of her life loving middle school students who were in desperate need of affection and affirmation. As I have grown up, my definition of the “less fortunate” has evolved to not only include those in physical poverty as well as the “poor in spirit”. I have learned that each person, at some point, is in some type of poverty of the spirit. We are all in need of the grace, mercy, and healing of Christ, no matter what our income or social status. We have all been abused and hurt in some way, we have all felt worthless in comparison to those around us, we can all be classified as the “poor in spirit”.

“The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.”
Isaiah 61:1-3

I believe my call to bring light to the dark places of the world is clear. I believe this does not require traveling to the poorest countries of the world, but mere obedience to be present where the Lord has called me. My neighbor is in just as much need of Christ as the children of Africa.

However, I am beginning to realize that to give the grace, healing, life, and hope of Christ to the “poor in spirit”, I must also recognize my own need. I am not excluded from those who desperately need Jesus. I can only freely give grace to the extent that I freely receive grace. I can only bring freedom to those captive as I receive the freedom Christ has provided for me.

Jesus came to redeem his children and I am His precious and chosen daughter. He came to bring hope and light to the world in which I am a part. Christ calls me to himself as he says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

So today I will choose to recognize my own poverty and need for Christ. I will choose to allow him to pour his grace upon me. And I will choose to know my identity as his daughter, his creation, his beloved. I choose this so that the love, light, hope, and life that I receive may overflow to the poor in spirit around me.

First thing this morning I learned a college friend suddenly passed away. Patrick and I met in high school as we served on the work crew at Windy Gap for a month, a place we would later reminisce as our favorite in the world. We both went to Carolina where we were Young Life leaders. After college we lost touch, it’s been years since we have spoken or even see each other, yet his death has been on my mind all day.

I have to admit, I am guilty of not loving Patrick well some days, and now I will never have the chance to say I am sorry.  While we had our issues, Patrick was a brother and dedicated so much time and energy into Young Life kids and leaders, a cause that will always be dear to my heart.

In the face of such tragedy, it is hard not to focus on the whys and hows and what ifs. What if I had been nicer to him? Why did this have to happen? How did things in Patrick’s life get to this point? Who could have stopped it? With so many questions surrounding his death, it is hard to focus on the hope he and I both share in Christ.

Looking at Patrick’s Facebook page, I have been reminded of the lives he impacted. High school and middle school students know Christ because of Patrick. I had the privilege of serving alongside this man of God and I was blessed by the love he showed people. Now, Patrick is with Jesus. He is complete and free from suffering. He is able to rejoice with his Savior and celebrate the ways he brought God’s kingdom to earth.

Therefore, instead of being consumed by guilt or sadness or shock, I am choosing to celebrate with Patrick. I am confident he changed more lives than he even knew. I know that in the midst of everything, God will get the glory from this. My heart breaks for his friends and family that do not have that confidence in the Lord. I can’t fathom enduring this type of loss, especially so close to Christmas.

Patrick, I am sorry for the times I didn’t love you well, and the things I may have said or thought that didn’t honor you. Thank you for your life and love and support. Thank you for loving high school kids from Lexington, even though it wasn’t your job. My heart goes out to your family during this time, and I pray they find the hope and light that you had in Christ. I pray they celebrate your legacy and know that you are now whole, fully alive, and with your Savior.

In the midst of the current social media craze, it is hard, almost impossible, to not find myself constantly comparing myself to others. Facebook statuses and Twitter posts document every moment of people’s lives. Reading these, it is hard not to be jealous that you ate a better lunch than me, or that while I was sitting at my desk all day you were hiking and playing outside. I read blogs about friends doing missions, see pictures of hungry children being fed, and I immediately feel that my 9-5 corporate finance job is inadequate. It is easy to begin feeling that I am not doing enough, not living enough, not giving enough.
One problem with comparison is it creates a culture of jealousy. It starts a trend of communities constantly wanting to one-up each other, do better, do more. We post more pictures and blogs about the good things we do. Our motives are no longer pure. Our heart is not to hear God’s call and follow, it is to out-do our neighbor’s good deeds.
The other problem with comparison is we become dissatisfied with who God created us to be and where he has put us. His providence is not enough. We are no longer content with our own gifts. We compare our strengths to others and we are suddenly not good enough.
We can not fully love our neighbor while we are jealous of their gifts. We can not fully love ourselves while wishing we were different. We will never be satisfied if we are seeking our identity in affirmation and recognition from others.
I fully believe we were all created for an individual purpose. I know that I am a unique creation, and that the Lord is proud of me. I am his daughter. He has a plan for me. I know that at the end of my life I will sit at His feet and he will say “Well done.” Until that point, however, I am left to follow. Every day I learn more about who God is and who he created me to be. Each morning is one more step in His perfect and unique plan for my life.
I cannot let comparison rob me of knowing the fact that I am His daughter and he is proud of me. I cannot let jealousy keep me from fully loving my brothers and sisters in Christ.
I was created perfectly for this time. I am here, in this moment for a reason. I am not going to miss what God has for me today because I am dreaming of being somewhere else. I am not going to forget that I am a perfect creation because I am wishing I was someone else.

For most of my life, I have constantly craved stability and balance. I love the middle. It’s where I sit in class, church, or any other large space full of people. The only center I don’t like is being the center of attention. I am just too squirrley to handle that. Maybe I was meant to be a middle child? Just kidding.

Recently I have been struggling with the idea that the Lord doesn’t NEED me to do his work, especially in my time behind the fence. However, this morning God told me differently. He revealed to me there is a glorious middle ground.

God doesn’t need me to do His work, yet he chooses me for specific purposes. There are people He can reach only through me. There are tasks created solely for my unique skill-set and personality.

I have a voice. But He is the word.

I have influence. Yet it is not for the advancement of my agenda but His kingdom.

I have nothing, yet in Him I posses everything.

I am empty handed, yet have the full power of My creator.

This heavenly dichotomy is enough to make my head spin, but today I choose to believe it. I choose to follow Christ down this road and believe that He is using me. I believe I can be used by him. I know that I was created for a purpose, I was created for more than I can fathom and the Lord is in the midst of preparing my heart for what is ahead. He promises to continue His good work in me until I am complete. Until that day, I choose to be stuck in the glory of the middle, a place between heaven and earth.

Coming home from The World Race I often got questions about the people that traveled with me and how we got along. I can honestly say that those 42 people were my family for the year, and still are. There is a connection we have that can never be broken, and I am so thankful for that family all over the country. A few days ago, a new racer wrote a blog about some of this family she met at a training camp. I couldn’t describe them any better myself:

These World Race People are CRAZY.

Leah Malone

Training Camp takes place
in the woods of middle-of-nowhere Georgia
where you’re kindly fed fish head soup, ugali,
and a grilled tomato banana and cheese sandwich.
Where you sleep in tents,
then on a school bus,
then under a tarp.
And you go to bed after midnight
 only to wake up a few hours later,
before even a hint of the sun rise,
to freeze your buns off at morning exercise
running up and down the hills of Georgia.
Yep, these people are crazy.
 
Some of these people are alumni.
People who flew, drove, and hitchhiked
to spend the week with us, sleep deprived,
at training camp. 
They served us by scrubbing toilets,
 waking up at 4am to cook our food for the day,
and praying life/truth into us
over and over and over again.
Their clothes never match
…I’m pretty sure they’ve forgotten how.
They saw greatness in me and pushed me towards it.
They’re ALWAYS either-
a. dancing
 b. laughing or
c. praying.
These people are crazy!
 
Speaking of prayer-
Its like the real deal for these people.
Rarely …never… did I hear prayer start with
“Dear Heavenly Father”.
Usually it started more like
“Hey Daddy” or,
“Its me again Papa” or,
“Abba we love you” or simply,
“Hi!”
…It’s almost like they KNOW this guy?!
These people are crazy.
 
They stand on chairs
or in the middle of the woods on chairs
and yell things.
Declarations they like to call them.
These people are crazy.
 
During worship there are people 
laughing,
dancing,
praying,
sitting,
and standing.
Some people have their hands in the air,
and others have their faces on the ground.
Yikes. These people are crazy.
 
These people dream about
shutting down every brothel,
ending the AIDS epidemic in Swaziland,
getting clean water for African villages,
seeing Haiti restored,
and finding a loving home for every orphan.
They dream about these things
because they’re actually living to make them happen.
I’m telling you-
these people are crazy.
 
Everyday normal conversation
consists of things like-
fire tunnels,
feedback,
declarations,
poop problems,
and ridiculously awesome
workings of the Holy Spirit.
These people are crazy.
 
And apparently,
after traveling the world for 11+ months
it becomes difficult, if not impossible,
to speak in full sentences.
Because of this,
everything is shortened by an acronym.
ATL,
OES,
TIA…
I guess I should start practicing!
These people are crazy.
 
These people actually believe
every word of the Bible to be true.
They believe healings are possible. Now. Today. 
They believe that God breathes and life happens.
They believe we are no longer slaves to sin.
They believe that the power of Christ is IN us.
They believed in the potential for the quiet girl sitting in the back
with the walls around her heart to experience freedom and love.
They believe and pray the same prayer Jesus did-
“on earth as it is in Heaven”.
 
And you know what…
I’ve started praying that too.
Because I actually really, really like that idea.
On earth as it is in Heaven?
Absolutely. Bring it on.
 
There’s no doubt in my mind
that those strange Kingdom minded people
who I met this week in the woods of Georgia
are absolutely CRAZY.
 
But what I decided this week is,
I’m ready to be crazy too!
The Kingdom of God is worth my abandonment.

Today marks a year. A year in the same country, mostly the same city, same room, same bed. A year with every comfort imaginable, and the only travel being weekends with a small carry-on bag, not a backpack. A year of sitting in an air conditioned office. A year of being able to eat whatever I want when I want, no beans or rice. A year of making new friends in the city I left. A year of learning to be content in one place. A year where nothing is different, yet everything has changed. A year of transformation.

Landing in Los Angeles after a year abroad on the World Race, I had no idea what was ahead of me, no inkling what I wanted, no clue what God wanted for me. One year later, it seems as though nothing has changed, even the Gamecocks are in the College World Series championship again. I am still figuring out what God has for my life, still learning who I am, still seeking the mystery of who He is.

Over the past year my passion for the orphans and widows has grown, despite their absence in my daily life. I still hurt when I think of the millions of people in poverty. I still cry over the people who think they have no choice but to sell themselves to make ends meet, or even traffic their children hoping to give them a better life. I am burdened for people who lost everything in a single moment. My heart breaks for the impoverished who don’t see hope, encompassed in darkness. I still don’t know what I am supposed to do about it.

It would be easy to sit and compare and feel that my year at home was wasted. To feel that after a year moving from the inner city of Dublin to the African bush to the jungles of Southeast Asia living among the poorest of the poor, sitting in an office 40 hours a week means nothing. It would be easy to spend today fixating on all the things I didn’t do this year, places I didn’t go, people I didn’t meet.

Instead I am going to spend today celebrating what God did in my life this year. The people I have been blessed to meet, and the relationships that have grown even deeper. For the change He has made in my heart, and for the passions that remain. I will praise Him because I still don’t know what lies ahead, because I am still learning my role in His plan, and as I discover more of God’s heart mine will change as well. The Lord has a unique purpose for my life, and I don’t have to worry about the next step. I just have to follow. I just have to listen to His voice and obey.

Thank you Jesus for this year. Thank you for a family that loves me and a roof over my head. Thank you for better friends than I deserve, who demonstrate Your love for me so well. Thank you for air conditioning and clean water. Thank you for Charles and my time behind the fence. Thank you for the times I felt lonely in a room full of people, and the reminder that You were with me. Thank you for continuing to shape my heart to look like yours, even though it hurts. Thank you that I am not complete, and that you will never give up on me.

This song may be exactly how I feel at this point in my life. I love when that happens.

I was raised up believing I was somehow unique
Like a snowflake distinct among snowflakes, unique in each way you can see
And now after some thinking, I’d say I’d rather be
A functioning cog in some great machinery serving something beyond me

But I don’t, I don’t know what that will be
I’ll get back to you someday soon you will see

What’s my name, what’s my station, oh, just tell me what I should do
I don’t need to be kind to the armies of night that would do such injustice to you
Or bow down and be grateful and say “sure, take all that you see”
To the men who move only in dimly-lit halls and determine my future for me

And I don’t, I don’t know who to believe
I’ll get back to you someday soon you will see

If I know only one thing, it’s that everything that I see
Of the world outside is so inconceivable often I barely can speak
Yeah I’m tongue-tied and dizzy and I can’t keep it to myself
What good is it to sing helplessness blues, why should I wait for anyone else?

And I know, I know you will keep me on the shelf
I’ll come back to you someday soon myself

If I had an orchard, I’d work till I’m raw
If I had an orchard, I’d work till I’m sore
And you would wait tables and soon run the store

Gold hair in the sunlight, my light in the dawn
If I had an orchard, I’d work till I’m sore
If I had an orchard, I’d work till I’m sore
Someday I’ll be like the man on the screen

Over the past two days, I have been deeply disheartened by the celebration of the death of Osama Bin Laden. Yes, he was a force of evil in this world, but he was still created by Christ. His absence may make the world a safer place, but there are hundreds of others waiting to fill his role. I hope that people who were victimized by his actions can now find peace and solace, but I also hope that as Believers and followers of Christ we can learn the effects of true forgiveness.

It seems our nation has forgotten the tragedy that occurred on our own soil less than a week ago. Hundreds of our brothers and sisters died, and even more are suffering from the natural disaster in Alabama. An incident not caused by any man. It appears that as a nation we have chosen to stop mourning the loss of hundreds to celebrate the death of one.

The words of hatred I have heard regarding Mr. Bin Laden have made me want to cry. The disregard of the tragedy in Alabama has made me want to cry even more. I pray that as the Body of Christ, fellow Believers will come together and choose to be a force of light and not follow the hatred of the world.

…As I live, says the Lord God, I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that the wicked turn from his way and live…

Ezekiel 33:11