The statement was so nonchalant, I almost didn’t think twice about it.

“Oh. Staten shot himself in the head.”

So normal. Like I shouldn’t be shocked.

About to move on to the next topic of discussion, I suddenly realized the weight of that statement, “Wait. Staten. Staten Bratton. Your homie. The one who hung out with us at the Christmas party. The one who was just released.”

“Yeah. Dey was playing that game… You know, the Russian one, with the one bullet.”

“Russian Roulette.”

“Dat’s da one. Apparently dey was doin cocaine or somthin’. I don’t know.” He responded, completely unphased.

“Are you sad?” I asked

“No.”

“Not at all? He was one of your best friends here.”

“Nah. I don’t really get sad. I get angry, not sad.”

“Are  you angry?”

“Nah. It’s just one of those things, I guess it was just his time.”

“Do you think it’s true? This isn’t the first rumor about Staten you have heard since he was released.” I asked.

“I don’t know. I don’t know what to believe. Der’s always so many rumors. A few weeks ago they was sayin that he got locked back up for crack,” Steve paused for a minute as I remained speechless, “Man. This place makes you worse off than you was before.”

I asked Steve what that statement meant, and if he thought that was always the case.

“Yeah. It seems like it happens all the time. People leave here. Die. Get locked back up. Get back into gangs. Get shot. Somethin just ain’t workin. Seems like this place makes you worse.”

“Do you think that will happen with you?”

“Nah. I am gon’ make something of myself. I ain’t gon’ do that. I ain’t gon’ die right when I get out. I ain’t gon’ get locked back up. I am gon’ get better. I am gon’ do better.”

As I left juvie, my friend Eboni confirmed that Staten had shot himself. He was in his own house, and there were three other boys in the room. Still in shock, I cried on my way home. I cried some more on a run. Staten was a joy to be around, and everyone behind the fence had seen such an improvement during his time there. Just before being released, however, he was beaten within an inch of his life. Most of his remaining time behind the fence was spent in the hospital. Apparently it was gang related. Apparently he wanted to get out.

Throughout the evening I prayer for Staten’s family, friends, and the other kids behind the fence who knew him. He had much younger siblings as well as a two year old son. I became burdened over such a broken system, a society where children fall through the cracks so easily. However, I found myself most upset by Steve’s reaction. The death of one of his closest friends behind the fence was just another event in his day. Something that happens on a regular basis. There is no shock value in unexpected death to a kid from the streets.

But hearing Steve’s declaration to make something of himself gave me a glimpse of hope in the midst of tragedy. Recently I have been thinking about when Steve is released. Hoping that we stay in touch. Praying that he doesn’t end up in the same situation he left. Being overly-logical sometimes, I was doubting that Steve could overcome his circumstance, beat the overwhelming odds stacked against him and was beginning to feel responsible for the outcome of his life.

Too many times in my life I get caught up in hypotheticals. I focus on something that may or may not happen twenty steps ahead. I have realized cannot let this taint my time behind the fence with Steve. I have to choose to focus on the hope that I know there is for him. I must hold on to the conversations with his teachers who speak so highly of his improvement. Steve does have an opportunity to do great things with his life, but that will come farther down the road and be completely out of my control. For now, I just have to focus on each day I spend with him, and pray that the Lord overcomes the incredible odds stacked against Steve.

I believe that God is good. I believe that God loves Steve more than he or I can ever imagine, and I believe God is bigger than the looming circumstances facing Steve. I believe that while it seems impossible, Steve can have a better life than his family and friends. His life does not have to end in tragedy, and I am grateful to have a small part in what God is doing. Each day, God is performing miracles in Steve’s life, and on that I will choose to focus.