The kids in juvie give back… I am privileged to volunteer with a Juvenile Justice program focused on more than keeping bad kids off the street, but actually showing them how to be a positive influence in their community.

A beautiful reminder that the things I say to and about people have effect.

Today The Boss and I were having a conversation about vegetarianism. Somehow he related the topic to a quote by Edward Cullen from Twilight. Since I have never seen Twilight or read one word from the books, I just gave him my frequent and typical blank stare…

The Boss: Leize Marie, you don’t know what I am talking about? WHERE ARE YOU FROM?!

Me: I don’t know. Sorry?

The Boss: You know in the fourth grade when they separate boys and girls for “the talk”, telling you how you are different, where were you? Weren’t you supposed to learn girl things like that? (Puffs his chest). Aren’t you supposed to be like, “OMG! Jacob the totally hot and ripped werewolf!”? I just don’t get it.

First thing this morning I learned a college friend suddenly passed away. Patrick and I met in high school as we served on the work crew at Windy Gap for a month, a place we would later reminisce as our favorite in the world. We both went to Carolina where we were Young Life leaders. After college we lost touch, it’s been years since we have spoken or even see each other, yet his death has been on my mind all day.

I have to admit, I am guilty of not loving Patrick well some days, and now I will never have the chance to say I am sorry.  While we had our issues, Patrick was a brother and dedicated so much time and energy into Young Life kids and leaders, a cause that will always be dear to my heart.

In the face of such tragedy, it is hard not to focus on the whys and hows and what ifs. What if I had been nicer to him? Why did this have to happen? How did things in Patrick’s life get to this point? Who could have stopped it? With so many questions surrounding his death, it is hard to focus on the hope he and I both share in Christ.

Looking at Patrick’s Facebook page, I have been reminded of the lives he impacted. High school and middle school students know Christ because of Patrick. I had the privilege of serving alongside this man of God and I was blessed by the love he showed people. Now, Patrick is with Jesus. He is complete and free from suffering. He is able to rejoice with his Savior and celebrate the ways he brought God’s kingdom to earth.

Therefore, instead of being consumed by guilt or sadness or shock, I am choosing to celebrate with Patrick. I am confident he changed more lives than he even knew. I know that in the midst of everything, God will get the glory from this. My heart breaks for his friends and family that do not have that confidence in the Lord. I can’t fathom enduring this type of loss, especially so close to Christmas.

Patrick, I am sorry for the times I didn’t love you well, and the things I may have said or thought that didn’t honor you. Thank you for your life and love and support. Thank you for loving high school kids from Lexington, even though it wasn’t your job. My heart goes out to your family during this time, and I pray they find the hope and light that you had in Christ. I pray they celebrate your legacy and know that you are now whole, fully alive, and with your Savior.

Tomorrow is my birthday, so this morning Boss came in with a small gift. He said, “There is more to come, but I just couldn’t wait. So here.”

He then proceeded to tell me that he got this for 2 reasons:

1. To have something on his car so he would fit in down here.

2. Because he thinks that I am more wag and he is more bark.

He finished his presentation with, “I got one too. But don’t worry, we don’t park close enough in the lot for it to be embarrassing.”

A little more than a year ago, Steve and I met for the first time. He was barely taller than me now at 6’2” he towers over me when we meet. One year ago, he looked like a kid. Yesterday I noticed he looked like a teenager, a boy on the brink of becoming a man.

During our first meeting, we could barely come up with anything to talk about. A year later I am staying later to finish our conversations. We have a relationship. I know him and he knows me. He asks about my friends, family, roommates, and job. He is excited to share the few things he hears from his family.

Last year Steve seemed to lack ambition and focus. Now we are working on getting his GED and he is the lead worker in the on-site upholstery department. Whereas he came behind the fence with nothing, he will leave with over $1,200 that he has earned through hard work and dedication as well as forklift and brick masonry certificates.

However, during our first Christmas party we sang carols and took pictures with his “homie” who, a few days after being released, shot himself. Just another death. Yesterday Steve was elated because his mom is being released from prison on Friday yet he heard from his parole officer his father and brother had been locked up.

In two months, Steve will regain his freedom. While he is a completely different person, ready to take on the responsibilities of a man, the world outside the fence is still the same. He will encounter the same challenges he left. The same hardships he has been protected from behind the fence.

Leaving yesterday I was both encouraged and challenged. I am fortunate to see a life changed for the better. However, I have no control over the decisions Steve chooses to make as he re-enters circumstances I will never understand. I have no clue how much we will actually communicate, if I will actually be a part of his future failures and successes. Hopefully one day I will see Steve playing basketball on television instead of the local incarcerations. I pray we keep in touch and he stays out of trouble, but I also know that when he is finally free my only option is to pray.

Luckily I am confident that my prayers are powerful and effective. I know the Lord loves Steve and wants the best for him, much more than I can comprehend. I believe Steve can greatly exceed the expectations the world has on him. He is smart and kind and motivated. Steve can not only change the course of his life, but the lives of his family and friends as well. And whether or not I will ever know what happens, I am fortunate to have been a small part of his life.

**Names have been changed for their protection

In the midst of the current social media craze, it is hard, almost impossible, to not find myself constantly comparing myself to others. Facebook statuses and Twitter posts document every moment of people’s lives. Reading these, it is hard not to be jealous that you ate a better lunch than me, or that while I was sitting at my desk all day you were hiking and playing outside. I read blogs about friends doing missions, see pictures of hungry children being fed, and I immediately feel that my 9-5 corporate finance job is inadequate. It is easy to begin feeling that I am not doing enough, not living enough, not giving enough.
One problem with comparison is it creates a culture of jealousy. It starts a trend of communities constantly wanting to one-up each other, do better, do more. We post more pictures and blogs about the good things we do. Our motives are no longer pure. Our heart is not to hear God’s call and follow, it is to out-do our neighbor’s good deeds.
The other problem with comparison is we become dissatisfied with who God created us to be and where he has put us. His providence is not enough. We are no longer content with our own gifts. We compare our strengths to others and we are suddenly not good enough.
We can not fully love our neighbor while we are jealous of their gifts. We can not fully love ourselves while wishing we were different. We will never be satisfied if we are seeking our identity in affirmation and recognition from others.
I fully believe we were all created for an individual purpose. I know that I am a unique creation, and that the Lord is proud of me. I am his daughter. He has a plan for me. I know that at the end of my life I will sit at His feet and he will say “Well done.” Until that point, however, I am left to follow. Every day I learn more about who God is and who he created me to be. Each morning is one more step in His perfect and unique plan for my life.
I cannot let comparison rob me of knowing the fact that I am His daughter and he is proud of me. I cannot let jealousy keep me from fully loving my brothers and sisters in Christ.
I was created perfectly for this time. I am here, in this moment for a reason. I am not going to miss what God has for me today because I am dreaming of being somewhere else. I am not going to forget that I am a perfect creation because I am wishing I was someone else.

Today, I kind of freaked out at how dirty my keyboard was: all the crumbs in it and such. This usually happens once every few months. Just like about once a month I realize how dirty my desk is and have to have a deep cleaning session.

I spent about 10 minutes blowing it out with the duster thing. And popping keys off to get all the crap out. Which happened to require getting a letter opener from Boss to pull them off.
When i returned it, Boss decides to stage an intervention of sorts

Boss: So are we over this? Are you okay? Are you settled? Had I known that’s what you needed the letter opener for I wouldn’t have given it to you.
Me: Yeah. I am good.

I turn to go back into my office.

Boss continues: Leize marie. Where did you use the bathroom in Africa? A hole or a really nice bathroom?
Me: A hole.
Boss: That’s where I get all tripped up. I think about you backpacking in the bush of Africa and how low maintenance that must mean you are. Then you go and pull crap like this. Freaking out about crumbs in your keyboard. Boggles my mind.

For most of my life, I have constantly craved stability and balance. I love the middle. It’s where I sit in class, church, or any other large space full of people. The only center I don’t like is being the center of attention. I am just too squirrley to handle that. Maybe I was meant to be a middle child? Just kidding.

Recently I have been struggling with the idea that the Lord doesn’t NEED me to do his work, especially in my time behind the fence. However, this morning God told me differently. He revealed to me there is a glorious middle ground.

God doesn’t need me to do His work, yet he chooses me for specific purposes. There are people He can reach only through me. There are tasks created solely for my unique skill-set and personality.

I have a voice. But He is the word.

I have influence. Yet it is not for the advancement of my agenda but His kingdom.

I have nothing, yet in Him I posses everything.

I am empty handed, yet have the full power of My creator.

This heavenly dichotomy is enough to make my head spin, but today I choose to believe it. I choose to follow Christ down this road and believe that He is using me. I believe I can be used by him. I know that I was created for a purpose, I was created for more than I can fathom and the Lord is in the midst of preparing my heart for what is ahead. He promises to continue His good work in me until I am complete. Until that day, I choose to be stuck in the glory of the middle, a place between heaven and earth.

Coming home from The World Race I often got questions about the people that traveled with me and how we got along. I can honestly say that those 42 people were my family for the year, and still are. There is a connection we have that can never be broken, and I am so thankful for that family all over the country. A few days ago, a new racer wrote a blog about some of this family she met at a training camp. I couldn’t describe them any better myself:

These World Race People are CRAZY.

Leah Malone

Training Camp takes place
in the woods of middle-of-nowhere Georgia
where you’re kindly fed fish head soup, ugali,
and a grilled tomato banana and cheese sandwich.
Where you sleep in tents,
then on a school bus,
then under a tarp.
And you go to bed after midnight
 only to wake up a few hours later,
before even a hint of the sun rise,
to freeze your buns off at morning exercise
running up and down the hills of Georgia.
Yep, these people are crazy.
 
Some of these people are alumni.
People who flew, drove, and hitchhiked
to spend the week with us, sleep deprived,
at training camp. 
They served us by scrubbing toilets,
 waking up at 4am to cook our food for the day,
and praying life/truth into us
over and over and over again.
Their clothes never match
…I’m pretty sure they’ve forgotten how.
They saw greatness in me and pushed me towards it.
They’re ALWAYS either-
a. dancing
 b. laughing or
c. praying.
These people are crazy!
 
Speaking of prayer-
Its like the real deal for these people.
Rarely …never… did I hear prayer start with
“Dear Heavenly Father”.
Usually it started more like
“Hey Daddy” or,
“Its me again Papa” or,
“Abba we love you” or simply,
“Hi!”
…It’s almost like they KNOW this guy?!
These people are crazy.
 
They stand on chairs
or in the middle of the woods on chairs
and yell things.
Declarations they like to call them.
These people are crazy.
 
During worship there are people 
laughing,
dancing,
praying,
sitting,
and standing.
Some people have their hands in the air,
and others have their faces on the ground.
Yikes. These people are crazy.
 
These people dream about
shutting down every brothel,
ending the AIDS epidemic in Swaziland,
getting clean water for African villages,
seeing Haiti restored,
and finding a loving home for every orphan.
They dream about these things
because they’re actually living to make them happen.
I’m telling you-
these people are crazy.
 
Everyday normal conversation
consists of things like-
fire tunnels,
feedback,
declarations,
poop problems,
and ridiculously awesome
workings of the Holy Spirit.
These people are crazy.
 
And apparently,
after traveling the world for 11+ months
it becomes difficult, if not impossible,
to speak in full sentences.
Because of this,
everything is shortened by an acronym.
ATL,
OES,
TIA…
I guess I should start practicing!
These people are crazy.
 
These people actually believe
every word of the Bible to be true.
They believe healings are possible. Now. Today. 
They believe that God breathes and life happens.
They believe we are no longer slaves to sin.
They believe that the power of Christ is IN us.
They believed in the potential for the quiet girl sitting in the back
with the walls around her heart to experience freedom and love.
They believe and pray the same prayer Jesus did-
“on earth as it is in Heaven”.
 
And you know what…
I’ve started praying that too.
Because I actually really, really like that idea.
On earth as it is in Heaven?
Absolutely. Bring it on.
 
There’s no doubt in my mind
that those strange Kingdom minded people
who I met this week in the woods of Georgia
are absolutely CRAZY.
 
But what I decided this week is,
I’m ready to be crazy too!
The Kingdom of God is worth my abandonment.